He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
