So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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