When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
