Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
