He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
