Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
