what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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