i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
