my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
