my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
