hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
