My sheets look like a crime scene.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
