im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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