I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
