Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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