She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Semen is not good for contacts.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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