I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
