I just pynch a tree in the face
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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