Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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