If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hippo gnu deer
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
