I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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