OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
