My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
