Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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