awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize