sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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