i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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