Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm passing your future prison.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think my moral compass just broke
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