the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
