the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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