So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
