I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
