Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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