Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
