The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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