I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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