Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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