forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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