im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
