Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize