If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
