Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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