"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
