I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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