repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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