Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
