Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
