1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
