Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
