Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
