remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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