Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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