Swine flu. Run for my life!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
