I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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