I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
