Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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