Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
